I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
