I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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