He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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