I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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