You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
And then he peed in my hair
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