if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
