I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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