You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
