remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
