our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
