Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
