I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
