I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
