just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
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