i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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