WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
