We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
