So drunk its hurt
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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