I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
