just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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