She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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