By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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