Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
