TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
