well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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