Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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