I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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