I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
