Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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