I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
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