i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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