How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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