so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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