I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
