Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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