You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
