it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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