Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
