I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
My vagina is very pro this idea
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
