I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
operation have a gay friend backfired
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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