Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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