Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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