I wish my penis had an off switch
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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