When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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