If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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