I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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