I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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