one word: firstdatebathroomanal
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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