He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Michael Bay diarrhea
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
i out mim tonsoeep
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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