I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
